***** CAUTION***** Sensitive post ahead. What really goes on in the mind of an overweight person. Well at least mine.
For better or for worse...
I've said these words. I meant these words. 5 years together, 2 years married with an infant son, those words seem to ring louder and louder in my ear. For better or for worse. Hmmm... That sentence, those vows can have more than one meaning.
I have never been a confident person when it comes to the way I look. I've always ridden on this sparkling personality that I have and let’s admit it, my sense of humor is one for the books. But even these qualities have taken a huge hit due to how I feel with the way I look. Being overweight is like a disease. It eats at your very core. It strikes you when you’re down and diminishes any sort of confidence you have left. Instead of looking in my closet and picking out something to wear, I pick out what not only fits, but what hides my gut the best. I wish sweat pants were acceptable to wear in public considering they hide my knee fat the best. Why did I do this to myself? How could I let myself go? I can't help but think this is a test for my marriage. For better or for worse? Not because of the way that I look, but because of how being overweight affects me as a person. Its so easy to become passive aggressive when you come to a point of being unsatisfied with yourself. I know I just had a baby, but lets face it, I was not healthy to begin with.
I know there are plenty of other things that can be wrong. I know that there are plenty of other things that could be worse. Unfortunately being overweight is like a gateway drug into depression. I don't think I have ever said these thoughts out loud and I feel incredibly vulnerable for sharing them with the world. But this is a journal, and you tell your journal everything no matter who the audience is right?
What's the purpose of this post? It’s not to be negative, but to let anyone else that is struggling with weight loss see just how emotionally grueling it is and to let them know they are not alone. We all have our off days. We all battle our own battles. It’s not only external work, but internal work.
I do feel a little lost at the moment. I can say that deciding to lose weight was not just for the purpose of making over the outside, but more importantly for reviving the person I once was. So I say, "For better or for worse?" Maybe...Maybe I am at my worse. But not for long.
"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begins the task anew."
Saint Francis de Sales
