For better or for worse?

***** CAUTION***** Sensitive post ahead. What really goes on in the mind of an overweight person. Well at least mine.

 

For better or for worse...

I've said these words. I meant these words. 5 years together, 2 years married with an infant son, those words seem to ring louder and louder in my ear. For better or for worse. Hmmm... That sentence, those vows can have more than one meaning.

I have never been a confident person when it comes to the way I look. I've always ridden on this sparkling personality that I have and let’s admit it, my sense of humor is one for the books. But even these qualities have taken a huge hit due to how I feel with the way I look. Being overweight is like a disease. It eats at your very core. It strikes you when you’re down and diminishes any sort of confidence you have left. Instead of looking in my closet and picking out something to wear, I pick out what not only fits, but what hides my gut the best. I wish sweat pants were acceptable to wear in public considering they hide my knee fat the best. Why did I do this to myself? How could I let myself go? I can't help but think this is a test for my marriage. For better or for worse? Not because of the way that I look, but because of how being overweight affects me as a person. Its so easy to become passive aggressive when you come to a point of being unsatisfied with yourself. I know I just had a baby, but lets face it, I was not healthy to begin with.

I know there are plenty of other things that can be wrong. I know that there are plenty of other things that could be worse. Unfortunately being overweight is like a gateway drug into depression. I don't think I have ever said these thoughts out loud and I feel incredibly vulnerable for sharing them with the world. But this is a journal, and you tell your journal everything no matter who the audience is right?

What's the purpose of this post? It’s not to be negative, but to let anyone else that is struggling with weight loss see just how emotionally grueling it is and to let them know they are not alone. We all have our off days. We all battle our own battles. It’s not only external work, but internal work.

I do feel a little lost at the moment. I can say that deciding to lose weight was not just for the purpose of making over the outside, but more importantly for reviving the person I once was. So I say, "For better or for worse?" Maybe...Maybe I am at my worse. But not for long.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them -- every day begins the task anew."

Saint Francis de Sales

 

Pulling the trigger and making it happen

Well I decided to do it. Yup, I'm doing it. I'm signing up for my first 5K. I know I said my first one was going to be in May, but screw it. I'm doing the one in April.

It looks amazing, and its at night. For some reason I think I'd feel more comfortable doing my first 5K at night. Maybe its because peeps won't be able to see me jiggle so much? Well I'm hoping at least. Its called the electric run. Check the video out...

So far I am doing this run with Jacci and her friend Nicole. They both go walking almost every day and have both done several 5ks. So I am really really behind.

We have a couple team names that we were pushing around. What do you guys think?

Team Names:
-Not Fast, Just Furious
-Chicks with kicks
-Victorious Secret
-Viscious and Delicious

Any other ideas?

I found this cheat sheet for training for a 5K. I'm really excited to start. I hope it works out. Looking at it, I can't help but think it looks pretty easy. I do have a feeling I'll be sorry I said that.

I weighed myself and I am officially ending this month losing 12.8 lbs. I am very happy with that number, however I can't help but feel I could of done better. Especially if I had not had as many cheat days as I did. Grrr.. I'll do better.

Speaking of one of my cheat days.. I did eat something that was so incredibly good, I don't think I can be so harsh on myself. Its called a PMS cookie. No. Words. Well one, AMAZING!  This cookie was worth cheating, I know, I know...I'm not suppose to say that. But when my ovaries are fighting over world domination, the cookie wins. Sorry

 

Now that everyone seems to being doing a little better, we are back to normal life in the Kellas household. I love the Sun staying out longer. I can't wait till I can walk with Carter after work and have the Sun still out. He's growing up so fast. So many things happen everyday. I wish I could just freeze time and really enjoy each stage as it passes by. I really did get lucky with him. He's such an amazing boy. So loving and sweet.

I can't wait to share this with him one day and tell him how much he motivates me. Not too soon though. I'm enjoying the mama and dada stage. :)

Snap, Crackle & POP!

Excuseville population 1? Kind of...

The excuses your mind can come up with to avoid working out is pretty incredible. From being tired, to I'll start on Monday. I must of come up with every excuse possible to avoid getting my ass on that elliptical machine. EVERY EXCUSE. Why? I want this. Why do I keep postponing my happiness?

Well of course something did happen that really did hinder me from working out. Major sickness in the Kellas household. My poor Carter had RSV which is a repertory infection and had to be out of daycare for 10 DAYS!!!! RSV is very common and very contagious, so naturally I got it. From trying to comfort a baby and nurse my sickness working out was not my first priority.
You would think that I would of made sure to eat well. Nope. Ate like shit. And by shit I mean didn't eat at all, or just grabbed something easy. It’s so disappointing. I did weigh myself though. I gained .06lbs. I know it’s not much, but I was really upset with myself. I even convinced myself that It was ok to eat shitty because it would make me feel better. Looks like I was eating a load of bullshit too. Grrr...


So here I am, 23 days into my diet that I have only really been doing for 13 days. I have yet to work out since I am nursing this lovely ruptured ear drum. Ouch!

I think I avoided writing another post because I was so disgusted with myself. I have no one to blame but myself. This is not the end though. This is my comeback. I am sure I will have plenty more opportunities to fall off the wagon, but as long as I still have the drive I know I'll be ok.

I did try a new recipe this week that I got off of Pinterest. They are mini taco bites. I used Won Ton papers instead of tortillas (I could use 8 and it would just be 4 points!), seasoned turkey meat, a little bit of cheese and some hot sauce. Boom! Heavenly goodness in my mouth.






Here we go. It’s a new day with renewed inspiration. Let's Do This!

 

Someone got a visit from the weight loss fairy...

Holy &#$**@!!!!

So I weighed myself this morning... Yea, I was definitely dreading it. I was pacing and avoiding it as long as possible. I finally got the courage and wiggled myself down the long hall at work to the scale in an abandoned office. My boss was with me for moral support. As I was slipping each shoe off all I could think of is it didn't matter what the scale said, I would continue my journey. I tapped the scale with my toe to make sure it was working. It was (damn). As I climbed on it I can see the little circles moving as the scale was calculating my weight. I was not prepared for what I saw next.

I LOST 12.4 LBS!!!!!!!!!

I started at 238 even. I am now 225.6. I couldn't believe it. Yes, I know most of it is water weight. But 12lbs is 12lbs! I found myself stopping everyone that would listen, just to tell them what I accomplished. (Yea, I was that person).  I was just overwhelmed, in a good way.  It was especially exciting to move the lovely stones into the pounds lost jar.

The weight loss boost is what I needed to get through the day. Carter had me awake till 3am, so working out was not on my agenda today. It will be tomorrow though.
Speaking of working out, my friend Jacci told me about this great little piece of amazingess called a FitBit Activity Monitor. Its basically a fancy pedometer that can wirelessly send your exercise information to your phone or computer. I'm going to hook this little piece of goodness up to myself tomorrow and I'm going to work out hard. I'll make sure and post my activity log tomorrow.

I hit another milestone today. 500 views on my blog! Its so exciting to know that I have interest in my silly weight loss blog. Its so amazing the outpouring of support I have gotten. I cannot express enough how much it means to me.

Soooooo, when I went to buy my fitbit today, I decided to buy the 2 pack and raffle off the second one for free! There is a catch though. You have to share this blog and once I reach 100 followers I will raffle this bad boy off. Thats a $59.99 value that you could win, just by following this auuhmaazziinngg blog. :) :) :)

Overall today has been perfect. Great news from all ends. Only sad part was when Carter had to get 3 shots. Breaks my heart to hear him cry. At least I got to snap this photo of him before the torture.

New week, new goal

Its a new week, so now there is a new goal. Tomorrow I will get my ass on an elliptical machine. Maybe even throw some lunges in there. I have absolutely no idea how to work out. I can't do a push up to save my life, never could and whenever I run my breathing sounds like a Chewbacca roar. (Why do I always reference Star Wars characters?) I am just going to try and remember every PE and conditioning class I ever took even though its been almost 10 years! I even got new nifty running shoes. After I gave birth to Carter my feet grew 1/2 a size, hence the new running shoes. I don't think I ever used my old running shoes for running. Hmmmm...

Today was another good day. Good choices and I feel amazing. The husband even went grocery shopping with me. He has been inspired to eat better and lose some weight. Its nice to know we are both doing this together.

Thanks Pinterest!

I decided to push the motivation a littler further and I made this lovely visual representation of the weight I want to lose and how I am progressing. Check it out.

Tomorrow I will be weighting in. I am definitely a little nervous. I won't let myself get discouraged. I'm hoping to see some weight loss. Even if its just 1/2lb lost.

I've inspired another friend to write a blog about their weight loss plan and being a new mommy. Really though, it was Jacci that inspired me to do something about myself. We both were pregnant during the same time. I was actually suppose to give birth 2 weeks before her. Little Ms. Aubrey had different plans and came out earlier then planned. So really instead of me giving her the step by step  breakdown of being a new mom, she has experienced everything first and has really been an amazing friend and confidant. Check out her blog here Click here

Its moments like this that remind me why I am doing this.

Day Two. Am I skinny yet?

Day Two. Am I skinny yet?

Today is not as bad as yesterday in the sense that I have come to a place of peace in knowing this needs to happen.
Ever pose in the mirror and think, "Damn I look good today"?
I have. So of course, I do what every 26 year old does. Updates their profile picture.
Somehow the camera always catches your double chin better than that mirror does. Seessh!

I downloaded this handy app for Weight Watcher Users. Its an app that can scan any food product with a bar code and tell you exactly how many points it is per serving.




If that wasn't idiot proof enough, I noticed some healthy food items already have Weight Watchers point values on them. Like my filling and tasty Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup!


Can you see how excited I am?? 







I did give into my Starbucks craving today. I usually get a
Grande extra hot white mocha with no whip cream and cinnamon powder on top. Its Christmas in a cup. Its amazing how this little cup of goodness can melt all my problems away. (Are you seeing how much credit I give food). I spent about 20 minutes on Starbucks.com going over every ingredient for every drink. What did I get?
A skinny Caramel Frap with no whip cream or caramel sauce. It was "OK". It satisfied my sweet tooth and gave me a little energy boost. But I did not make me feel better about staying away from sugary drinks. I'll do better tomorrow.

I made an amazing dinner. Chicken burgers on wheat thin bread. My whole dinner was about 11 points and it was super filling. Does this look like diet food?

Every year I read the People Magazines first issue of the new year. It's always the same theme. Biggest weight loss winners. Its absolutely amazing how motivated these every day people are. No gimmicks, no weight loss tricks. Just pure determination and hard work.

Take my brother-in-law for instance. He is your normal average Joe (except for his super genius status). He works insane hours and in his spare time devotes it to his family. One day he decided he wanted to do something about his weight.  In what little spare time he had available, Matt changed his eating habits drastically and worked out like a mad man. In what seemed like a very short amount of time, he completely transformed himself. He has kept his weight off for almost 2 years. Eating Healthy is now second nature to him. This doesn't mean he doesn't indulge on the finer things in life. He does it in moderation.





I have gotten so much outpouring of support from friends and family. I've even inspired two of my friends to start their own blogs. To Read their stories click below.

Meri: Click Here
Snowda: Click Here


Uncle Matt knows how to have a good time with food. Especially when teaching my son new flavors. :)